Bedroom Lullabies...(Behind Closed Doors)

I can't sleep again. I have too much pressure on my heart and too much hidden words transcribed in my head. It's not just a broken heart anymore, it's something much more. My mouth wants to utter upon this pain but my tongue encloses it, holding it ransom. Maybe I've lost my trust, or maybe I'm just tired. I reach out to God. Maybe these are suppose to be the struggle I'm suppose to endure, and rise above...but when will struggle be over?? I feel like I could be devoured in this atmosphere. I find myself wearing a smile, and laughing off the hurt. Pushing myself into a trance, I distance myself from the world, my family, and even my friends constantly looking for other things to do, work that has to be done, music to compose, books to write...not even realizing how much more hours I've try to extend in a day just to runaway by picking up these redundent tasks. When the day is done, I fall into restlessness, and usually find tears rolling down my cheeks and onto my pillow case; drowning myself with the sorrow I hold inside. Usually as an antidote I reach out to my emotions through the lyrical genius of my favorite musicians. As I struggled to find a cure I ran through the lyrics from blue october's current cd approaching normal; I laugh at the title, it's like an oxymoron. I promised myself that I won't fall too deeply into pain because I can do some really deep self torturing. I'm beyond that stage in my life, so here is the cure. Someone that understands what I'm feeling and not afraid to acknowledge it. Or too high to lower themselves to someones hurt. These are the lyrics that match the pressure of what I'm feeling inside....I'm a little eased since I've found it..I can smile a little now :]

Song Title:{Picking Up Pieces}

I really need to talk with you
I keep stepping on the vein
That keeps my lifeline flowing thru
I wanna be your perfect stick of glue
But I don’t feel perfect at all
Sad and insecure flaw
I find it hard to hold conversations
I get sweaty sick and I wanna walk away
Its not you its strictly me in this situation
But, I’m wondering will it ever go away…just go away, still...
Sometimes I feel like weeping
awake and when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on
This puzzle I’ve been keeping
has been in hiding creeping out the closet door
spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?
Listen, I’ll be as honest as I feel
I feel like I’m getting more paranoid and I’m hearing things
And they never turn out real
It feels like my heart is made of pure steel
It’s just so heavy all the time
I’m scared of death
And I’m scared of living
I gave up on the past cause it’s unforgiving
I misplaced my trust
I watched my word begin to rust
I’m a balloon about to bust
I need a place for reliving. Still...
Sometimes I feel like weeping
awake and when I’m sleeping
perfecting how to put a game face on
this puzzle I’ve been keeping
has been in hiding creeping out the closet door
spilling out onto the floor
How long will I be picking up pieces?
How long will I be picking up my heart?
How long (in another space and time)
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
How long (its getting oh so hard to find)
Keep picking up pieces in the corner of my mind
But I still walk on